I’ve come to realize that I live my life, paralyzed with fear for the majority of the day, every single day. My decisions are shaped, and I’d argue to say that my life has been shaped based on my paralyzing fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and generalized anxiety about everything.
It’s sad. It’s maddening. And it’s time that it stopped.
It’s only taken me 35 years to get here.
(It makes me want to throw up, seeing that written out so bluntly…)
Do I have regrets? No. I can’t have regrets. If I didn’t go through what I’ve been through, I would not have the blessings that I currently have. But, am I happy? No.
A dear friend said to me today, “there’s always something that renders our happiness just out of reach. This life sucks then we die. Par for the course.” I refuse to take this as the truth, just the opinion of a beautiful soul who has been broken hearted for too long.
There has to be a connection between fear and happiness. The less fear, the more joy. I don’t know this to be true, but I want it to be.
I need it to be.