I saw you tonight. Even though I was in a dream, and didn’t know I was dreaming, you took my breath away. It was the strangest thing. With all of these random people in this very random dream, I knew you weren’t supposed to be here. I knew this was special and I didn’t want the moment to end. You were standing on the edge of a dock that had a railing. That’s it. I have no idea of where we were or who that dude was standing with you, but it didn’t really matter. I didn’t really care. You had one of those fishing shirts you always wore and your Red Sox hat that you always wore and those boat shoes that you always wore. It was as if no time had passed. I walked up to you with purpose and I heard your voice again say “Hey.” I wrapped my arms around you and whispered “I’ve missed you so much.” And I felt your arms and your hands and held on to these grains of sand for as long as I could. Not long enough.
It’s been years now. Years since we have seen each other. Years since you’ve been gone.
I hate that my girls never got to meet you. I hate that our kiddos never met (I always thought they would be great friends.) I hate that we never ate crawfish again and that you never cooked for me again. I hate that I can’t tell you about my life and what is going on (bc you’re probably the one person who would get it.) I hate that you can’t visit me here (it’s so much closer, logistically.) I hate that I can’t hug you. I hate that we didn’t have more time. I hate that we never fell in love, which is what I thought would happen down the line. When we were in better places in our lives.
I hate that I didn’t save you as you saved me.
And now, all I have are these fleeting moments sometime between dusk and dawn, when you show up unannounced to say hello. It’s not what I want… of course it’s not what I want, I want you here, now… but, I am thankful that, every so often, I can hug you and tell you that I think about you all the time and I miss you so terribly much.
And I do miss you. So terribly much.